November 9

Today I am sad. And truth be told, a little bit shocked. I seriously didn’t think he would win the election. I didn’t, and couldn’t in good conscience, vote for him. But I know a lot of people, of good people, who did. Why? I’m trying to wrap my head around that. It’s hard to do. Maybe I just have to say we have a difference of opinion when it comes to some things and leave it at that.

It truly is too soon to tell what will happen, so for now I’m turning off the news reports and social media. I’m going to think about how I can be a little kinder or make my place (i.e. neighborhood, community) a little better. I know my prayers this morning were a little more heartfelt and sincere. I sat in the sunshine at lunch and just tried to be grateful for the nice weather. Maybe I’ll pull out an old favorite book before I go to bed tonight. Whatever it takes to get some sleep…

A Picture Says A Lot of Words

It's Monday.
The Monday after the time change and before the election.
I feel a little like this:

Or maybe like this:

Luckily, Mondays and time changes don't last forever.


Pretty soon I'll be feeling like this:

Actually, I'm pretty sure I never feel like a dancing nymph so maybe I'll say I'll feel like this:

A lovely carousel always make one feel better, right?


And I've found a use for some random trip pictures so it's a double win.

October

We’re finally getting a little fall weather. It’s actually been a bit warm for a lot of the month. Not hot, though, so I’ll take it. I did switch my heater on since one colder day it did get down to 65 in my house, but it rarely comes on.

I’ve spent a few of the nice days with walks outside. The leaves are gorgeous.

And this past weekend my sister and I took my niece to the pumpkin walk in North Logan. I rarely get to Logan these days and I’m always amazed at how much it’s grown since my college days. The pumpkin walk is free so I guess it’s worth it. There were a lot of people there. I think my niece liked the ice cream afterward better than the pumpkins but what can you do?

I just finished reading The Haunting of Hill House by Shirley Jackson. It was my Halloween pick (one of them anyway) and I must say I was a little bit disappointed. I picked it because I didn’t want to actually be scared but wanted to read something a little creepy.  This is the second of Shirley Jackson’s books I have read and I do like her writing. I guess I just expected something a little bit more from this one. I thought Eleanor was sad and pathetic so I didn’t actually care what happened to her. And Mrs. Montague was crazy. I think she needed to have a good scare, not the others. There was one scene that was creepy and absolutely brilliant where Eleanor was being haunted and was holding on to Theodora’s hand only to find she wasn’t. I loved that part but the rest was just ok.

I’ll think I’ll stick with old Vincent Price movies instead. Even though they are a little laughable now, they still have a few scenes that are creepy or just the right amount of scary for me and I really just love the old time campiness about them. The Bat (1959), House on Haunted Hill (1959), The Pit and the Pendulum (1961), and House of Wax (1953) are my favorites.

Choices

I can’t believe we are already at the end of September. Time is just flying by and I’m trying to make a conscious effort to enjoy the days of my favorite season. I don’t want them to pass by in a blur.

Sunday, our lesson in Relief Society was the talk from President Monson on choices. From the things the teacher talked about, I really liked the idea of making conscious choices and defining our lives rather than just letting them pass by so I’ve been trying to pay attention to my choices this week. I’ve been in a bit of a funk. I’ve told myself its ok as I deal with grief and stress and anxiety but I don’t want to feel that way all the time.

I made the choice not to get up to exercise this morning. J  I did use my lunch break to walk 2 miles at the park (another conscious choice). I’m happy I still did it and being outside in the sunshine felt great, but I realize that I didn’t actually get any more sleep by pushing snooze so I should have just gotten up. I’m tired either way.  Tomorrow I will choose to get it done in the morning.

I also chose to eat a few squares of a Lindt Intense Mint dark chocolate bar after lunch.  And it was delicious.

My Favorite Season

It’s September.  That means I’m eating lots of peaches! They are in season here in Northern Utah. Mom lost her peach trees when she moved but my sister also moved last year and gained 5 trees so I’ve still been eating them fresh picked as they ripen. Yum!

It also means we are entering my favorite time of year. September thru November is really kind of heaven for me.  It’s still a little warm right now, but the nights are getting cooler and the days will be too.  Up in the very tops of the mountains I am seeing some color as the leaves start changing. Pretty soon we’ll be seeing it in our yards also. I LOVE autumn!

Here's a small list why:

Warm socks
Hot Chocolate
Storms
My down comforter
Pumpkins
Leaves changing colors
Baking
Soup
Watching the rain from my front window
Curling up with a good book – ha ha ok I do that no matter the season
Scarves
Boots
Sweaters
Cooler days and nights

An Un-Anniversary of Sorts

A friend and I went to see the Dixie Chicks in concert last Friday night. It was fun. They did a lot of my favorite songs. I love their music. The concert was at the Usana Amphitheater. I had never been there before. I liked the outdoor setting. We had seats, but the lawn seating was pretty far back. The tickets would have had to be really cheap for me to want to sit back there.  And it’s a pain in the butt to get in and out of. On the way back home we stopped at a gas station for a drink and then turned up the music and sang at the top of our lungs, partly to keep us awake and partly because it was fun.

As I was driving to work this morning the announcer on the radio said the date and it seemed really familiar to me for some reason. Then I realized that I got married 20 years ago today. I was divorced 5 years later, but this was the big day. Looking back I can’t believe how different my life has been from what I had planned. Not different in a bad way, because I am generally happy.  It’s just I was young and back then I thought that I had to get married and have kids and a house and all that stuff. 

There are only a few things in my life that I truly regret, so I don’t think getting married was one of them, but I can’t say it was a good thing. It’s hard to remember anything happy about those five years of my life even though there must have been some good times. Maybe I should say I rarely have reasons to remember those times (good or bad) because they have nothing to do with my life today, except for maybe being a kind of crossroads to the path I did go down.  Regardless, I am happy with where I did end up and have been blessed in so many ways.

August

August is actually the cruelest month, at least for this year.

My dad died on August 5^th.  Long story short: he made the decision to stop dialysis. We sat with him for the 2 days it took.  

What an absolute roller coaster of emotions.

To compound everything I’ve had some car problems and sometimes it’s the last straw. I feel bad for a couple people who have caught me at my breaking point and have had to deal with a few tears at inopportune moments. OOPS

And yet life goes on. People are out mowing lawns, walking dogs, going to work, a whole myriad of things and I feel a little outside of it all.

I’m doing ok and things will settle down into a new normal. I guess. There’s just a big hole in our family now.

I’ve learned a few things. One thing is I’ve been a really bad friend to a few people who have experienced the death of a loved one.  I want to change that going forward.

Lots of people have expressed condolences or whatever you want to call it. And then there are people who don’t know what to say and that’s ok too. That’s usually where I am on the spectrum.  All the little gestures of kindness truly help, whether it is a card, text, plants, chocolate, coming to the viewing and funeral, or even just popping into my office to tell me they are sorry.

I am humbled by how kind people can be.

I am not really a blogger. I have this blog, which is mostly an online journal but I don’t actively share it with people. I doubt anyone reads it except me which is totally fine but I’m putting this out there for the universe. I believe with everything that I am that I will see my dad again. Death isn’t the end and families are eternal.