One Year

Hard to believe it’s 1 year since mom died. It’s been eons and the blink of an eye at the same time. We’ve navigated through family dinners, birthdays, holidays, and even vacations without her. When dad died he left a big hole in the family, but he was the guy in the background with the funny sense of humor, especially after his illness started. Mom was the one in the trenches who went everywhere and was always doing things for us. (Not that dad didn’t, but in different ways). Sometimes I just don’t know how to feel. That’s ok, it’s just how life is. So I guess I’ll pass this milestone and keep on going. Not sure I feel like celebrating my birthday, which is fine since I can do it any way I want. Might just sit at home with a book and some cocoa. Maybe a Dr. Pepper. Sounds like a good day to me.  

Another One

Today was another rough day, brought on by getting frustrated at work. I’ve been feeling a little bit like I needed a good cry, so maybe it’s not that bad. But I’ve been weepy all day. By the time Thanksgiving actually comes, I’ll be fine. I will miss mom of course, but we’ll get through it. Anyway, I’ve been missing mom and staring at this turkey in my fridge and realizing I have to figure out how to cook it. Ha ha it’s fine. Everything is fine. Thanksgiving is actually going to be at my house this year, because it’s only going to be 8 of us. Anna’s family will be with the in-laws this year. I think I’ve got a pretty good plan in place to keep my sanity, but also enjoy the time with family.

There are some good things. I managed to straighten my hair without frizz today. It’s not quite as sleek as when it gets done professionally, but looks a lot better than the last time I tried it and the ends weren’t all nasty frizzed. Yay!

We did solve our problem at work. Well, we got the test to work. It’s still a lot of work to get everything resolved, but we’ll get there. 

I have all next week off and now that we got that test to work, I don’t feel bad about actually taking it off. I’ll be able to relax and enjoy it a bit, I hope, in spite of everything. 

I had to work late last night so I actually took off early and got a walk in before it got dark, and noticed this thing on the parkway that I have never seen before. My sister and I have been trying to figure out how long it’s been there. LOL  Crunching through all the leaves felt fantastic. Walking is a sanity saver, for sure.

Rollercoaster

I got frustrated at work this week and it kind of dumped me back down to the bottom of the roller coaster with my emotions and now I’m kind of in the dumps again and tiny things are making me tear up. I write it here to process through my feelings. It wasn’t just work; I could kind of tell it was coming. Maybe I was just a little bit moodier than normal? I don’t know for sure. 

It’s ok. I’m giving myself space but also trying not to just sit around feeling bad. We have 2 funerals in my ward this weekend so I signed up to make funeral potatoes for one of them. Then I checked the list yesterday and they still needed some cakes so I signed up for a cake as well. I’ll be running them over to the church in about an hour. It does feel good to do some service. I learned a new song for primary. We have the primary program coming up in a few weeks and playing the piano for them is something I love. 

So I’m ok, I really am. And it’s ok if I want to take a day to feel down in the dumps. Right now, I can’t decide if I want to sit around and read or watch movies tonight or if I’d rather clean my bathroom. Both would probably make me feel good. Tomorrow is supposed to be a beautiful day so I’ve promised myself I will make an effort to get out and walk. Enjoy some nature and this beautiful fall season. 

This is the right way for me to deal with everything and if it starts to feel wrong or not working, I'll move on to something else until I finally get to a point where it doesn't derail me. 

 

October 4th

It would have been my mom's birthday today. 76 years. I'm a little weepy today, that's for sure. And it's ok, I'm allowed to have my feelings today. I think I've been having them all week actually, because I have bought so many things: new shirts, more air plants, perfume, and a puzzle. I most definitely did not need any of that and now it has to stop!

I've got a list of things I need to get done for work, and then I think I'm signing off. I have vacation available and if I get my job done, nobody cares if I leave early.

I got my Halloween decorations out. All 4 of them. Ha ha...  The 4th is this cat on a wooden plate. My mom made it when I was young and it's been part of Halloween my whole life. When we cleaned out her house, I just couldn't see it going to a thrift store, even though I have no use for it. So it's sitting on my table. If I decide to put candy on it, it will have to be the kind I don't like, otherwise I will eat it. 

It's conference weekend and I'm looking forward to a more relaxed few days to be at home and just enjoy this time of year. I've got some projects and things to work on while I listen to conference. I'll get through today and things will be fine. 

The Next Day

I worked late yesterday and on my way home stopped by the grocery store for some flowers, which I took to the cemetery. They are probably dead today, but whatever. I had a few tears and put the flowers in the vases on both sides of the headstone and left. Got fast food on the drive home and came home and did nothing again. Except clean my kitchen floor, and that's only because I dropped a glass and it broke. 

I didn't sleep well last night, but oddly enough, except for being tired I feel better than I did yesterday. I got up and got to work and my dentist appointment on time and then had a bunch of meetings and worked from home. I ate a healthy dinner and that alone is making me feel tons better. It really is true that good eating and some exercise really help both mental and physical health. Too bad I don't do them more often. 

When the temperatures dipped into the 70s on Sunday, I started wanting soup. So today I made 3 bean chili. I added bell peppers to it. It was ok, not sure if I'd make it again, but I have leftovers I will finish up. So soup making started early this year, but that's my favorite thing to make so why not? 

Anyway, I'm feeling better today. Able to cope and know I'm ok. I didn't have any caffeine either so hopefully I'll sleep tonight. It seems like letting myself have a few days to have some feelings and be late for work worked out ok. I know it won't be the last time because it comes in waves and that's ok too. 

Dealing with Grief

So all my summer fun is over. And to be sure, I am very much looking forward to fall, even though I’m a bit unsure about the holidays this year. But last week was very unproductive and I was definitely calling myself lazy. But I consoled myself that I was still getting up for work. And then today happened. I was almost 30 minutes late for work because I didn’t want to get out of bed. I mean, sure I could have worked from home. But I wanted to be in the office for the work I had to do and that was what I had planned on.

I’m pretty sure I’m just dealing with grief or depression caused by grief. I’m just feeling kind of sad. I don’t feel like it’s bad enough to have to get help yet. But I’m also not sure if I’ll know how to recognize if/when that time comes. I’m just typing out my feelings because I know it helps, and I don’t want to write them longhand in my paper journal. 😊

I’m still getting out a bit. I went to the library book sale on Saturday. My sister and I and the twins had a nice walk on Sunday. I guess today I just need to let myself feel all the things. Start again tomorrow. Tomorrow I do have to get out of bed because I go to the dentist first thing. So there’s that.

I think I will try and get another walk in. I still have 11 miles to go to finish my walking goal for the summer and 3 weeks left to do it, so I’m still on track. So walking will help.

I should find something besides just “fall” to look forward to. I’ll have to think about that for a bit.