Dealing with All the Feelings

Grief is a weird thing. Maybe it just comes in waves? I’m not all surprised that I can be happy and sad at the same time but whatever I thought I might go through when my mom died, I’m pretty sure this is not it. And I know I had some hard times dealing with my dad’s death, but I don’t remember them so much as now I just miss him. 

The last 2 weeks have been hard on me. We got the house emptied and put up for sale and had 2 offers within 24 hours. The inspection came back with a lot of things wrong. On one hand that’s what the inspector is supposed to do and it’s an old house so of course there are repairs needed. On the other hand, there is some water damage, mold, and a leak under the house that we have to repair. These were unexpected but are not crazy repairs and of course we won’t sell it with mold growing under there. But what would normally be something I let roll off and just take in stride felt absolutely devastating to me. And since then every single thing has just been too much for me to handle without wanting to have a good cry first. I know this will pass but I’m not sure how to deal with it in the meantime. 

We have a plan for the house. The buyer actually wanted a lot of repairs besides the ones we are willing to do. We have a counter offer out to her. At this point I might feel better if she says no and we have a little time to get a few things fixed before we list again. We are definitely not going to fix everything. It’s going to sell “as is” with a few repairs. 

I have a plan for myself this weekend too so I don’t just sit around and mope. It’s not the sadness that bothers me but the lack of emotional resilience I’m showing right now. Part of the plan includes a walk and getting outside a little bit - I got sick this week and am finally feeling like moving again. Then I’ve got a few things to work on. A few more things can be organized or cleaned out. I might even want to take flowers up to mom and dad’s grave. I haven’t been there since the funeral, because that’s not really where I feel a connection to them. But it might be nice. 

I will admit that I am actively avoiding Mother’s Day. I feel no shame in this. I can’t even celebrate my sisters being moms and I’m not going to try. The year at least, there is no making the best of it. I have to be at church a bit to fulfill my obligations but I don’t have to listen to any of the speakers. I’ll either be out in the foyer or behind the organ reading my scriptures or the Ensign while people talk. That’s the way I’m coping this year.